南城夏末 The Late Summer In A Southern City
唐薇 By Tangwei
(note: The English words ‘A southern city’ in the title was also one of the main character’s Chinese name, they share the same pronunciation in Chinese.)
01
我在那个初夏遇见了末生。
I met Mosheng in an early summer.
我们像两条海藻一样互相纠缠，亲吻，拥抱。我们默契得就像是两颗严密交合的齿轮。可悲哀的是，听情歌时我和他想起的都不是彼此，而是别人。
We hugged and snogged, like two blades of seaweeds entangled. We understood each other, just like two closely meshed gears. Sadly, when listening to love songs, he and I didn't think of each other.
末生想念的是他的前女友，生长在湿热气候里的长发女子，瘦削高挑，无关美貌，眼睛却亮得迷人。她和末生在一起两年，开场是一幕童话，结局却是一出狗血剧。一见钟情的女友在末生事业低谷期弃他而去，施施然拥着新男友，出现在急欲挽回的末生面前。
His ex-girlfriend was a long-haired woman who grew up in a hot and humid climate. She was thin and tall, though she had nothing gorgeous in her features, her eyes were charmingly bright. They had been together for two years. The opening scene of their love is a fairy tale, but the ending is a parody. Mosheng fell in love with her when they first met, yet she abandoned him at the low valley of his career. She then reappeared in front of him, Mosheng desperately wanted her back, while she was unblushingly holding hands with a new boyfriend.
曾经的纯真美好变成了笑话一场，那时的末生对朋友说他需要三年才能痊愈。可是这些，我是后来才知道。也是直到后来方才知晓，那些生生刻在心口的伤，怎么可能那样轻易就好。灯火阑珊的夜，四下无人的街，欲语还休的心事，无处安放的思念。
The innocence and good old days of their past turned into a joke. Mosheng had told his friend that it would take him three years to rebound. But I did not know any about his feelings then. It was years later that I realized that those wounds that were engraved in one’s heart would not so easily heal. In one dimly-lit night, with no one around the streets, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts that are still waiting to be conveyed, the thoughts that have nowhere to rest.
我牵挂的，是个擦肩而过的人，南城。
What I had in mind, when listening to that song, is someone from my own past, Nancheng.
南城恰好生在南方的城市，不高不矮，相貌平平，一笑起来却如春暖花开。在我低迷颓丧的时候，他于不经意间出现，如上天的恩赐一般，走进暗夜里引领我步向光明。而在这之前，我本不相信世间会有这样的男子，让人哪怕仅仅是待在他身边，灵魂都似得到了救赎，宛若新生。一种神奇而熨贴的治愈，二十二年间唯此一人。
Nancheng happened to be born in a southern city. He is neither tall nor short, and looks plain, but his smile reminds me of spring flowers. When I was depressed and desperate, he inadvertently appeared, like a gift from heaven. He walked into the dark nights that ensnared me and led me to the light. And before that, I didn't believe there would be such a man in the world, even if I just sat by his side. My soul seemed to be redeemed, as if a new life was granted upon myself. He was like a magical and soothing cure, and he was my true love in 22 years.
那些时日我几乎夜夜梦见南城，在森林里一齐奔跑，在小溪畔戏水玩闹。于是我说我喜欢他，问他可喜欢我。南城沉吟片刻，只答若喜欢我的话会让我知道。
During those days, I would dream about Nancheng almost every night. In those hallucinations, we were running in the forest and playing by a stream. I confided in him my crush and asked him the question. Nancheng pondered for a moment, then he said he would let me know if he did.
怎样才算知道？他赠我精心挑选的手链，又为我手工亲制手镯，夜夜打磨至不知不觉入睡——只因我道戴着手饰才不会感觉那么漂泊。
Did I get his points? He gave me a carefully-selected bracelet, and made a hand-chain for me, and polished it every night until I falling asleep unwittingly, just because I said I wouldn't feel like a wanderer if I wear one.
末生的前女友在遥远的小镇，我、南城、末生在同一个城市。
Mosheng’s ex-girlfriend lives in a far-away town, while I, Nancheng, and Mosheng dwell in the same city.
南城曾提起因为从小他的母亲就不抱他，导致他很渴望拥抱。
Nancheng once mentioned that his mother didn’t hug him much since his childhood, which led to his craving for such intimacy.
走在他身侧的我听见这句话，很想指着远处说“你看”，然后趁他不明所以回头看我的时候抱住他。
I was walking alongside him when he said that, and I felt I want to point at somewhere and whisper to him, “look at that”, then cuddled him right after he turned his head toward me for my explanation.
可是我没有。那时我抱着一株盛放的水仙，他提着我的两只小乌龟。我将去外地出差，临行前将花儿和小龟托付给他。这个城市里，我能信赖的只有南城。
But I didn’t do it. I was holding a full-blossoming daffodil, and he was holding my turtles. I have to be away for business, so I entrusted him with my little pets and the flower. He was the only one I believe in that city.
南城将小龟提到眼前，眉眼弯弯，嘴角含笑：“我可只喂你们龟粮哦，我不像你们亲妈那么有耐心喂肉末，我是后爸！”说完之后他似乎意识到不妥，眉梢一挑却又作不动声色状。我心跳很急，砰砰砰地似要跳出胸腔，扭头假装观赏绿化带里的姹紫嫣红。我怕曲解南城的意思，更怕他不是那个意思。
Nancheng raised the turtles close to his eyes, smiling and beaming, “I have pet food, I am not your mama, I am not that caring to feed you minced meat, cause I only count as your stepfather.” Seconds later he realized what he just said, and his face twitched a little, but he didn’t try to clear himself. My heart was struggling out of my chest. I turned my eyes to pretend to be looking at flowers in roadways. I was afraid that I might interpret his words in the wrong way, yet I feared more about whether he meant it or not.
几个月后出差归来，去接小龟时瞥见了一旁碾得细碎的火腿。我眯了眯眼，心情愉悦。南城问我：“苒苒，过段时间有场朋友聚会，我能邀请你当我的女伴吗？”当然好，怎么会不好。空气中充溢着雨后草木的清香，我点点头，趁他转身时快乐得把脸埋在掌心里。
Months later, I returned. I went to his place to pick up my pets. I had a glimpse of some carefully prepared meat when the door opened. I felt elated. “My friends are going to throw a party, do you want to be my date then?” he asked. “YES! How could I say no?” I thought to myself. The air of that day was balmy, and I nodded, burying my face in my hands when he turned away.
我一心想要和南城在一起。他是我长这么大以来最喜欢的男子，是淡然挥洒的冬日暖阳，漠漠寒夜的一杯热茶。
My heart was with him. For all these years, he is the one I loved most. He was a strip of winter sunshine, a cup of warm tea in a dark, cold night.
02
静下来后，我陡然想起另一码事。出差时，在那个陌生城市的火车站里，我似乎遇见了许离。
After I calmed down, another thought flashed back to me. When I was away, in that train station of that unfamiliar city, I ran across Xuli.
许离是守护我最久的人，从七岁到十七岁。娃娃脸的英俊男生，一笑便露出一对小虎牙。小学二年级开始同班，坐过同桌，上课开小差时总能会心地相视一笑；初一同班，初二我转学，他跟着转到邻班，常常从我的教室前慢慢走过；高中邻班，会在相遇时微微羞红了脸，使劲拖住一旁好奇打量我的哥们。
Xuli was my longest companion, from 7 to 17. He was a young and handsome boy, and his canine teeth would reveal themselves every time he smiles. We were desk mates at our second year in primary school. When taking a class, we would look at each other when both our attention were diverted elsewhere. When we entered junior high school, we were still in the same class in our first year. Then second year came, I was transferred to another school, he followed suit and ended up in my neighboring class. He used to walk past my classroom, slowly and deliberately. In our senior high school, our classrooms were still just one room away. Every time we met, he would blush, and try everything to forestall his friends from probing. They were always curious about me.
那些年，每逢节日都能收到许离精心准备的小礼物。印象最深的是初二的圣诞节，一起送来的信中写道：“突然感觉我爸真好。他刚打过我，可是我向他要钱给你买礼物，他还是给了。”正在叛逆期的小男生，竟是因为这样的理由而意识到家人的好。
In those years, I would receive a delicately-wrapped present from him any time there was a festival going on. The most unforgettable one was a Christmas gift with a letter. We were second years in junior high school, “I suddenly realized that my father was so nice. He just beat me, and I asked him for some money to buy a present, and he gave it to me anyway.” He wrote. As a teenage boy who is still in his puberty, he would think his families are nice for such a simple reason.
拆开盒子，里面静静躺着一个海底世界造型的液体双沙漏，左右各为碧绿宝蓝，看似相通却又互不交融。液体彩珠滑落时，设计精巧的小部件们也随之而动。百无聊赖时分，我反反复复将它颠来倒去，对着自成一格的小世界，消磨那漫漫光阴。
Unwrapping the gift box, I saw a double fluid hourglass, one side was emerald green, the other jet blue. The two sides seem to be merging, yet remain separate. When the fluid inside start flowing, the delicate components would also move. When bored, I would spin it round and round, killing time while observing the miniature world inside.
我和许离没有在一起。少年时的自己并不懂得何为喜欢，很在乎他，觉得亏欠，却无关爱情，于是刻意疏远，渐渐形同陌路。将满十八岁时高中毕业，我顺利考上大学，许离参军入伍，从此杳无音信。
We did not get together. At such a young age, I hardly knew what love is, though I cared for him. I felt indebted, yet I knew it had nothing to do with love. I knowingly distanced myself from him, and gradually, we became strangers. I graduated from high school near 18. I went to university, he enlisted in military service. We lost track of each other from that juncture.
然而在那个破败的火车站候车室，斜斜透窗而入的熏黄阳光里飘漾着细细的灰尘。斑驳的墙壁，脱落了一半的大字报，残破的浅蓝木棱窗，被悠悠岁月磨得光滑的老式木质长椅。在那个时光像是停滞在上世纪的奇怪地方，我看到了许离。
However, in that lounge room at that dilapidated station, I saw him. Sunshine was slanting through window glass and dust was floating. The political poster already peeled off from the wall, the light blue windows were worn-out, and there was a time-polished wooden bench. That place looked like something from the last century, but I saw him!
他坐在我的斜对面，慵懒地靠在椅背上，牛仔裤黑色背心，刘海张扬上翘，嘴角轻轻上扬，依然是十七岁时痞帅的模样。尤其眼神一如既往，羞涩而又专注地凝视着我，就像之前好些年那样。列车即将开动，于心有愧的我没敢上前确认，拖着行李匆匆离去。
He was sitting diagonally opposite me, resting himself upon the bench. And he was wearing jeans and vest, his fringe and the corners of his mouth both raising flauntingly. When he smiled, he looked just like his 17, handsome yet in a ruffianly way. His eyes were intent as ever, and he stared at me while his face reddened just like the old times. The train was about to start, and I dared not to approach him, I felt guilty in his presence, so I dragged my luggage case and hurried off.
直到到达目的地，接到了南城的邀约，欣喜若狂后终于平静下来，我才骤然想起了莫名出现在那间候车室的许离。终究放心不下，向共同的朋友打听许离的近况。朋友只道久未联系，建议去问他的高中同班同学，接着发来一个电话号码。
It was not until I arrived at my destination that I calmed down, after rushes of joy swelling inside me. When Nancheng invited me, the memory of Xuli sitting in that room was suddenly revived. I could not forego the past, so I phoned one of our mutual friends. He said they’d lost contact, and suggested me looking for one of his high school classmates, then he texted me his numbers.
是夜，我站在窗台边，拨通了那个电话：“喂，你好。我是许离的朋友，之前弄丢了联系方式。请问你知道他现在还好吗？”
Standing by the window at that night, I dialed the numbers.” Hi, I’m a friend of Xuli, I lost his numbers, can you tell me how he’s been donging recently?”
“你确定是问许离？”
“You sure we are speaking about him?”
“是呀，前两天我还看见他了。不过当时有事，没来得及打招呼，所以想问问。”
“Well, yes. I saw him the other day. I was busy then, so I didn’t say hello, that’s why I made this call.”
“别拿死人开玩笑。许离已经去世两年了。”
“Oh, please. Don’t make fun of the dead. He’s been gone for two years.”
……
二十岁生日前夕，许离退伍，和朋友欢聚至深夜，然后酒驾，车祸，当场身亡。
The night before his 20’s birthday, he was about to be discharged from the army, Xuli had gone to drank with his friends, and when the party was over, his car crashed while he was driving. He died immediately.
“夏苒苒，我记得你，他跟我提过。他到死还没谈过一场恋爱，但愿在天堂能泡天使。”
“Xia Ranran, I know you. Xuli mentioned your name before. He was single till his death. I hope he can hook up with an angel in heaven.”
是，但愿在天堂也能恋爱，找个善良可爱的女孩，不要像我这样。是有多后悔，当初故意避开，不闻不问，不去在意他受伤的眼神。原本相交十年，他伴着我从垂髫稚童长成磊磊少年，即便做不了情侣，也可以对他好一点点，而不是如此仓皇收场。
I was hoping that he can find a girl in heaven too. I hoped that this girl could be kind and cute, and she should have nothing like me. How regretful I was! I avoided him on purpose, neglecting his feelings. I was undisturbed by his imploring eyes. He and I had been friends for ten years, from childhood to his adolescence. Although we did not come together, I should have treated him better. We shouldn’t have ended up suddenly.
我哭得声嘶力竭，蜷在墙角几欲窒息。意识迷蒙间，抽泣着给南城打电话：“南城，他死了……”
Crouching in the corner, I nearly cried myself to death. Almost unconsciously, I phoned Nancheng. “He was dead…”
南城从未见过我哭，透过手机都能感到他的焦急：“苒苒，别怕，你在哪儿？我马上过来！”
He never saw me cry before, and I could sense his uneasiness over the phone“Don’t panic, where are you? I’ll be there in a minute.”
我只是哭，再说不出话。许离死了，不在这个世界上了。我明知不应该，却仍然止不住地想，我耽误了他十年，如果彼时他喜欢的是别人，或许不至于这般凄凉。我死死地撅紧手机，呜咽着倒在地板上，不知过了多久才恍惚睡去。
I was still crying, and I could not talk. Xuli’s gone, he went to another world. Yet I cannot stop missing him. I knew I shouldn’t. For ten years I had known him yet I still refused his love. He might have ended up better if it weren’t for me. I grasped my phone tightly, while lying on the ground, sobbing, on and on. Having lost track of the time, I fell asleep finally.
第二天，看通话记录，竟持续了两个多小时。我没有告诉过南城具体住址，他只能在那端陪伴着，直到哭声消止。这样好的南城，可是我却不敢回复信息或电话。我害怕，却又说不分明究竟在害怕什么。南城带来的幸福感让我越发觉得亏欠许离？或者哪天自己和许离一般爱而不得？突如其来的噩耗，击碎了那层并不牢固的坚强。
A day after, when I checked my phone records, I found that my phone call with Nancheng had lasted for more than two hours. I didn’t tell him my whereabouts, so the only thing he can do is to wait patiently at the other side of the phone, until my cries waned. He was so kind, yet I dreaded to reply to him. I was afraid, of what I cannot say for sure. Maybe the happiness Nancheng brought to me made me feel worse about Xuli? Or maybe I was afraid that my love would become unrequited, just like Xuli’s. The news of his death was so sudden that it broke my already fragile defence.
我曾喜欢过一个人，异地，他要我去他的城市，说他会娶我，相伴一生一世。我信了，然后才发现原来他同时对很多女孩这样说着。我把自己关起来五天五夜足不出户，拉黑他，删掉所有联系方式。
I once loved a man, and our relationship was a long-distance one. He asked me to go to his city, he promised that he would marry me, and I believed him. It was later that I found about his pretense, he said the same things to many other girls. I locked myself up for five days, blacklisted him, and deleted all his contact information.
可我还是来到了他的城市，虽然早无任何联系，虽然辗转得知他去了国外。并无挂念，青葱年少时爱得更多的其实是自己的想象，而非现实中的那个人。但仍颓废了很久，一个人在举目无亲的异乡苦苦挣扎，直到遇见南城，干净而美好的南城，陪着我走遍大街小巷品尝各种美食的总是微微笑着的南城。
But I went to his city, though we hadn’t contacted one another for years, and I managed to know that he had gone abroad. I did not miss him, I know that my love was more directed at my teenage imagination, and less at the person in reality. But I still felt shattered for some time. I was a foreigner at that place, struggling with life. Then I met him, Nancheng, all innocent and perfect. He accompanied me, we walked through all kinds of alleys and streets, tasted all sorts of food. He was always smiling.
如果当初选择了许离，可能我不会那样受伤。如果没有阴差阳错地得知许离的死讯，可能我会和南城循序渐进地发展为恋人。可是一夜之间，我不知道怎样去面对南城。他是清澈见底的淙淙清泉，是暗夜行舟的指路灯塔。而我，更像是飘飘荡荡在一片苍茫间的尘埃。更何况，南城从未亲口承认喜欢我。或许小题大做，偏生斤斤计较，在感情里心眼竟然这般的小。
If I had chosen Xuli, my sorrows would not be so unbearable. If I did not know his death by accident, Nancheng and I might become a pair in the end. But everything changed overnight. I did not know how to face him. To me, he was my shining sun in the day and my beacon tower in dark nights. While I, myself, felt more like a stray moth, flying without a purpose in this world. Moreover, Nancheng had never confessed his love for me, or maybe I was the one who’s splitting hairs. I started to abandon myself to alcohol, avoiding him at every moment. Only drunkenness could put me to sleep and spare me the tiresome effort in which I would gaze at my window while I was wide awake.
我开始夜夜买醉，对南城避而不见。只有烂醉如泥，方能安然入梦，不用整夜睁着眼睛看窗外的光影从暗到明。虽然梦中，还是会出现许离，在我们的高中校园里，在走了三年的那条走廊上，我和他迎面相遇。我不知道该哭还是该笑，于是总在这个时刻惊醒。一抹脸，满掌湿漉漉的泪水。
我怀揣着巨大的歉意开始回想，记忆里尘封的细枝末节统统复活，鲜明如炬。比如七岁那年，削铅笔时我被小刀划破了手指，小心翼翼为我包扎的是当时稚嫩却帅气的许离。比如十五岁入学军训时，晒黑了的许离一边大口喝水，一边含笑偷偷望向我。
I, with immense biting feelings, started to think about Xuli. Our sealed past has came back, all the memories was vivid as they could be. I was 7, and I was sharpening a pencil, the knife cut my finger. It was Xuli who carefully wrapped up my wounded hand. It was like I could still see the naivety and gorgeousness of his face right before me. Then I was 15, taking my military training, and Xuli, sun-tanned, peeped at me while drinking mouthfuls of water.
03
又一次在酒吧，光怪陆离，微醺的我发现有个男子自斟自饮，视线未曾有片刻停留在那群嬉笑狂舞的男女身上。他的目光像是落在些许反光的酒杯里，却又放空成刻骨的悲伤。
I was in an outlandish bar, a little heady. A man was drinking alone, his eyes were never upon the dancing and laughing crowd. His gaze fell into his slightly reflective wine glass, and seemed to resolve into unfathomable sorrow.
我也很难过，于是起身去他对面坐下，自顾自地碰杯。他稍稍一惊，却没有赶我走，默许着一同沉醉在酒香之中。我们不过是惦念着各自的伤痛，茫茫人海里共醉一场。
I felt for this man, so I rose up and approached him, sitting down opposite his seat. I clinked my cup with his, which startled him a little. But he did not try to drive me away. We immersed ourselves in alcohol. It transpired that we both could not let go our past, so we sat together and drank and drank, and took no notice of the noisy people around.
那夜并没有发生什么，半醉半醒之间我只听见他似乎唤着某个名字，听不清楚，那语调却温柔到骨子里。我也想要呼唤南城，却如鲠在喉。那一瞬间，我忽然很羡慕他。
Nothing happened. Half consciously, I overheard him calling a name, his sound was negligible and obscure, but his tone was gentle to the heart. I wanted to call Nancheng, yet somehow his name could not come out of my throat. At that particular moment, I envied my companion.
后来他送我上了出租车，我强撑着回到住处倒头便睡。翌日午时，被手机铃声吵醒。“喂，醒了吗？我是昨天一块喝酒那位。”我不知道他何时拿到了联系方式，但无疑，他是友好的。或者，同是天涯沦落人。
Then he helped me to a taxi, I tried hard to stay awake until I made home, and I plunged into my bed. I slept till the noon of the day after. My phone was ringing, and it woke me up. “Hi, feeling good? The guy from the bar.” I did not know how he get hold of my number, but I did understand that he meant to be nice, or he was just acting out of empathy.
电话那端的声音略微暗哑，不疾不徐：“宿醉是不是很难受？刚煲了汤，过来喝吧？我叫末生。”胃恰好适时地抽搐起来，我怔了怔，不想拒绝：“好。”
His voice, when heard over the phone, was husky and hoarse. He spoke in a genteel manner. “Still in hangover? I made a soup, want to come by? Oh, by the way, my name is Mosheng.” My stomach gave a compliant lurch, my thoughts stopped for seconds, but I did not want to refuse the offer, so I said “OK”.
依着地址找过去，是在附近小区的某幢二十七层。门打开，末生穿着黛灰的家居服，披着件柠黄的条纹围裙。高高瘦瘦，棱角分明，围裙的存在却让他整个人显得温润亲切，像是氲在了一团柔和的光芒里。
He lives in a building in some nearby community, at story 27, according to the address he gave me. I knocked, and it was him who opened the door. He was in his darkish gray home-wear, wrapped in a lemon-yellow apron. He looked tall and lanky, with sharp features. The presence of the apron lent him a genial and amicable temperament.
末生煲的是生地乌鸡汤，盛了一碗端到我面前，看着我浅浅喝了一口，认真发问：“味道如何？”我不说话，他有点担心地凑过来观察我的表情。我脑中的某根弦倏地断裂，本能般倾身向前，吻住他的唇。柔软的干净的唇，带着甘蔗的清甜味，让人将噩梦抛诸脑后。
He served me a bowl of silkie soup, and watched me taking a sip. “Is it good?” he asked earnestly. I did not reply. He came closer and stared at my face observantly. Something snapped inside my heart, I innately forwarded myself and kissed his lips. It was soft and clean and sweet, letting me forget about all my nightmares.
末生再一次稍稍一惊，却依旧没有避开，默许着反吻我。午后的阳光肆意地铺洒在地面上，明晃晃的，窗外树影婆娑，我闭上了眼。这一刻，我忘了南城。等到再想起，一切已经回不去了。
He gave a start, but did not dodge, and answered my kiss. The afternoon sun sprinkled freely on the ground, shining brightly, and the shadows of the tress outside the window were rustling and whirling. I closed my eyes. At that moment, I forgot about Nancheng. When I realized what had happened, everything had changed.
末生的胸膛宽阔而温暖，心跳有力，让人不由得放松下来。我就这么住下了，睡在末生的臂弯里时，不会梦见许离，也不会梦见南城。却又像是陷入了另一场梦，梦里没有喜悦也没有哀伤，我在末生的庇护下，只愿长醉不醒。
Mosheng’s chest was wide and warm, his heartbeat strong. And it made me relax. I decided to settled down in his place. When I rested my head in his arms, I no longer had dreams about Xuli or Nancheng. Our life was like another dream, and there was neither joy nor anguish. I wanted to live under his care and protection, and never leave.
我不知道那天见到的，到底是和许离相似的人，还是许离不愿意我继续无知无觉他的死亡，特地前来告知；我也不知道在我消失的这些时日里，南城会不会四处寻觅，会不会心急如焚。
I did not know whether the person I met at that station was Xuli, or was it just someone who looked like him. Perhaps it was him after all, perhaps he wanted to tell me his death, perhaps that is why he came. I did not know whether Nancheng would look for me or not. If he ever find out that I was gone, will he miss me?
那样腼腆的许离，对我说喜欢，却从来舍不得过分打扰；那样温和的南城，笑如春风，从不失态。而我躺在一个互相不知底细的人身畔，莫名有种相依为命的味道。
Xuli was shy in nature, he said he loved me, yet he never intruded into my life. Nancheng was gentle and poised, and he was always thoughtful. But here I lie, with a near stranger. We hadn’t known one other’s backgrounds. I felt we were thrown down the same pit, so the only one we can rely upon is each other.
04
再久一些后的一个夜晚，末生带回来一束勿忘我，从背后将我环抱住：“苒苒，正式做我的女朋友吧。”我微微怔忡，沉默良久。
Long after that, Mosheng brought home a bunch of forget-me-not. He hugged me from behind, “be my girlfriend, will you?” I hesitated, and did not reply.
末生既不放开也不催促，只把脑袋埋进我的肩颈。“好。”我听见自己的声音，飘渺得像冬日呵出的雾气，一晃即散。心底蓦地刺痛，却克制着不去想这痛是为谁。
He did not let go of me, nor did he urge me anything. He kissed my neck deeply and stopped there. “Yes.” I replied. I heard myself, my voice, like a breath in winter, quickly diminished. My heart twitched suddenly, yet I suppressed it and forced myself to stop thinking about someone else.
我们就像普通的情侣一样，一起吃饭、散步、看电影。末生会换着花样做好早餐，然后附在耳边温柔地唤我起床；会在突遇大雨无处躲藏时，脱下外套罩在我的头顶，将我护在怀里；会在夜深人静时分，默默揽住我的腰肢，亲吻我的颈项……我们就像普通的情侣那样，时而亲密默契时而拌嘴冷战。
We were like ordinary couples, we ate together, we strolled together, and we went to a cinema together. Mosheng would make me assorted plates of breakfast, he would whisper to my ear in the morning to wake me up, took off this coat to cover me and pulled me to his chest when it rains. When night came, he would put his hands around my waist and kiss my neck…… sometimes we were close, sometimes we quarreled with each other and gave each other clod treatment, just like any other couples.
但是我们都知道，那不是爱情。譬如他撞见我一笔一划地在白纸上写满南城的名字，譬如我发觉他在深夜给另一个女孩回信息，说她是他今生的最爱。这些时候，我们都装作若无其事，日子继续波澜不惊地过下去，却从一汪清水腐烂成一池沼泽。
But we both knew that this was not love. Onetime he caught me writing Nancheng’s name all over a piece of paper, onetime I found him texting a girl at midnight，it read :you are the true love of my life. When such occasions occurred, we would pretend nothing had happened and continued our life as ever.
我们都知道，或者我以为我们都知道，这样下去两个人都会窒息。共同沉沦并不能拯救两个灵魂缺损的人，我们一起听着悲伤的情歌，想起的却是另一个人。
We both knew, or we thought we knew that to continue, we would suffocate in the end. We sank down together, but it did not save our broken souls. We listened to love songs, but each was thinking about someone else.
南城终于还是找到了我，在便利店门外。我手中双人份的牛奶蓦然变得沉甸甸的，快要拎不住。南城消瘦了许多，只痛心地望住我的眼，声音低低的，仿佛瓷器即将破碎前的沉闷声响：“苒苒，你还好吗？”
Nacheng found me eventually, outside a convenience store. I was holding a double box of milk, and it felt a lot much heavier. He body thinned, and he looked at me in pain, his voice was low, it sounded like breaking china. “How have you been doing?”
不好，南城，一点儿都不好。再无一人似你，让我哪怕只是待在身旁都感觉安心。可是现在的我反而不知怎样去面对那么好的你。我勉力挣出一个笑容：“南城，我交了男友。”
It did not work for me, not at all. Nobody equals you. I feel calm and relax beside you. But right now, I did not know how to face you. I feigned a smile, “I’m seeing someone now.”
南城的脸一寸寸地灰白下去，此刻是我最相信其实他对我并非全无心动的时刻。我曾那样勇敢直白地告知我很喜欢他，却没有等到他真正让我明白他到底喜不喜欢我。这个时候，他曾邀约的那场聚会已经过去了，他是一个人去的吗，还是带了别的女伴呢？这样尴尬窘迫的重逢，我念念不忘的却是这个问题。
His face whitened, bit by bit, and it finally convinced me that he did feel something for me. I had told him how I loved him, yet he failed to make me feel the same. At that time, the party he once mentioned has ended, did he come there alone? Or did he bring someone else? Our reunion was awkward, yet that was the question that popped out.
就在这时，手机震动。我躲闪着望了眼南城，才掏出手机去看，是末生的信息：“我去C城出差了，好好照顾自己。”我忽地笑出声，笑得满眼都是泪。南城惊慌地扶住我的肩，哄小孩子似的一声声唤着：“苒苒……苒苒……”
Then my phone vibrated, I gave Nancheng a furtive look, and took out my cellphone. It was a text from Mosheng,”I’m off for business, take care of yourself.” I laughed suddenly, till tears started to run down my face. Nancheng extended his hand to me, holding my shoulders. He called my name again and again, like a child who was murmuring for his parent.
我多想上前紧紧抱住他，却不行了。他是看似触手可及的光明，却早已隔了万水千山。我推开南城的手，背转身独自离开：“不要过来。让我冷静一下。”身后的南城没有追上来，我不知道他是以怎样的神情目送我远去。
How much I wanted to hug him, but I could not. He was right in front of me, yet between us, there seemed to exist a vast space. I pushed his hands off, and turned away. “don’t follow, I need some time.” He did not budge. I could not imagine his look when he saw me leaving.
05
我回到了末生的家。
I came back to Mosheng’s place.
末生素来讲究生活质量，室内总是一尘不染，浅灰的窗帘，白色的地板，设计简约却精致。我们曾并肩躺在大大的床上，卧在厚厚的沙发里，靠在被灯光映照闪亮的阳台栏杆旁……这儿处处都有我们一起生活过的痕迹。
He was always a man of tidiness. His room was dustless, and the light gray curtain and white floor made for a clean and easy living place.
虽然像陷入沼泽一样终会窒息，但我原不想这么快就离开相依为命的末生。我们在一起终不会圆满，可是这短暂的相伴却像是麻醉类药物，让疼痛不那么切肤噬骨，让人得以南柯一梦。如果，没有看到那些信息的话。
I knew that I would suffocate like I was engulfed by a mire, yet I did not want to leave Mosheng so soon, we were so happy then. Our relationship was not consummate, but the time we spent together was intoxicating. It relieved me, saved me from horrible dreams. All would be good, had I not seen his texts.
末生的前女友被新男友抛弃，转而对末生哭诉寻求安慰，说还对他心存留恋。末生正赶去的，是她所在的城市，并没有所谓的出差。而勿忘我，是那个女子喜爱的花。
Mosheng’s ex-girlfriend was deserted by her new love, and she turned to him for comfort. She said that she still loved him, that’s why Mosheng left, he was going to her city to see her, not for business. The bunch of forget-me-not was her favorite.
原来纵然是相拥取暖，亦不得长久相安。末生，我并非没有幻想过好好和你在一起。然而我们从陌生到熟悉，却也只能再归于陌生。我仔细地打扫了房间，这个地方不再留有任何我存在过的痕迹。
I realized that even though we cuddled each other, it was not out for love, and it won’t last. Mosheng, how I dreamed that we would be together forever. But now a sense of familiar strangeness separated us. I cleaned his room meticulously to make sure I did not leave a trace behind.
离开这座城市的那天，我在机场给南城发信息：“南城，我走了。”而后关机，再望了一眼身后，无人送我，就像初来时无人接我那般。
I chose to leave for good. At the airport, I texted Nancheng, “I am leaving, please take care.” Then shut down my phone. One more look at my back, and nobody was there. It was just like the day I arrived here, no one was here for me.
此时正值夏末，街道两旁的梧桐郁郁苍苍，再过些时日便会灿黄如金，铺满大街小巷。可惜不能再慢悠悠地一路踩过，咯吱咯吱，去寻南城一起漫步，看季节悄然更替。
At this time, it was the end of summer, and the parasol trees on both sides of the street were lush and green. After a while, they would be bright and yellow, like gold, covering the streets and alleys. It’s a pity that I can no longer walk through these scenes, and stroll with Nancheng. There was no one there to accompany me to see the quiet changes of seasons.
行将去往的，是临海的一个小城，那里有咸咸的海风，茂盛的椰林，柔软的沙滩，脉脉的斜阳。或许短暂停留，或许就此安居，我还未想好以后的路。且行且观，说不定自有一番不一样的际遇。
I was planning to move to a coastal town, where I would have the company of salty sea wind, lush coconut trees, soft beach and the gentle setting sun. My stay there could have been temporary, or I could have decided to settle down. I hadn’t made the final call. I wanted to take my time and explore different possibilities, because I might get to experience something out of the ordinary.
我已经不再害怕梦见许离，因为梦里他从未化作恐怖的形象让我受惊，他只是羞涩却专注地凝望着，就像凝望年少时的梦。
I dreaded my dreams about Xuli no more. For all he did in them was looking at me, shy but intent, as he always was in our younger days. He never turned into monsters in my dreams.
末生打过我的电话，我没有接听，他的信息每次都是未曾点开便直接删除。他于我是惺惺相惜或者心存愧疚，都不重要了。我也不想深究他是否有那么一丁点儿真心，连自己都分辨不清，何况他人。
Mosheng called once, but I did not answer. I would delete his messages every time without checking them. His attitude towards me, be it compassionate or guilty, no longer mattered. I did not want to question his love, or to know that if he ever had a tinge of love for me. I myself could not tell, let alone others.
而南城，温暖而美好的南城，有时一旦错过便是一生。犹如一盘起手无回的棋局，一步行错，步步皆输。是我太过软弱不堪，由此只能渐行渐远，各自殊途。
But Nancheng, the gentle and elegant man, I knew that I had lost him forever. Our encounter was like chess playing, one step wrong and you lose the game. It was me that was fragile and weak-minded, I watched him drifted away from me.
许离是无法弥补的悔不当初，末生是聚散无常的萍水相逢，南城是失之交臂的举世无双。可如今，世事两茫茫。幸运的是人生几十载，无论怎样的故事都会很快过去，如风拂沙。爱也好，不爱也罢，不过沧海蜉蝣，不过叶尖朝露。
Xuli was my irreparable past, Mosheng was my unexpected serendipity, and Nancheng was the lost treasure. Knowing the caprice of destiny, I cherish my life more. The past, no matter how inconceivable it may be, will fade away eventually. Love or not, we are ephemeral creatures.
只是我会记得，你来过我的生命。
But I do remember you, you had been in my life.
